I want to jump. I want to jump and free fall into the arms of the Lord. That thought stirs something deep inside my soul where God speaks in soft gentle whispers that cause my faith to grow like wild honeysuckle. Free falling takes courage; it takes an amount of courage that I am parched for and as I come to understand it more, my desire grows. I’m at this point in my life where I can feel God showing me a taste of what that free fall would be. Looking ahead I see a future a lot like Robert Frost described. Two roads diverge…..only instead of a path of undergrowth, its much more of a dramatic journey. One is the easy winding way back down the mountain path; its got some bumps but its steady and sound. It has a predictable and safe outcome. The other is the more adventurous. Its a running start and a quick jump off a short cliff with nothing holding you back. Its falling and saying, God take me where you’re going. Its scary and its exhilarating all at the same time.
What I’m talking about is living a life unhindered and fully open to where the Lord is leading. Desperate for the Lord to flood my spirit with his presence and his guidance, and wanting to be swept away by the sheer power of his will; this is what I want for my life. My fear paralyzes me though. I want so much to have that courage, but I hold back and I peek over the edge for reassurance…Lord increase my faith that I would be uninhibited. I’m giving up what I’ve thought is a good plan and a foreseeable plan in exchange for hope in a perfect plan.
This summer I struggled with the forgiveness my faith says I have received, however my heart wasn’t so sure of that. Let me explain. I know that God is always with me. I don’t doubt that, as my mom says, ” I don’t ask God for ID, he is who he says he is and he’s going to do what he says he’s going to do, you don’t get to question the one you made you”. There was a good amount of time this summer that I felt distant from God, and in classic Andi fashion I tried to figure out why. Was it something I had done or something that I hadn’t done? Was it God choosing to be distant for awhile? Was it a desert time for me like Jesus had? Was it just me not getting it? Once those questions started to become old, the new ones of “are you really forgiven, Andi” and “Have you really forgiven yourself?” started to creep in. All these things bounced around my in my head like bouncy balls in a vacuum for about 3 weeks till I sat down and got some good perspective. I’d let myself get focused on the wrong thing, I was focused on how I could figure it out and fix it instead of asking God for direction. Obedience is what I was led to. When I have nothing, I have obedience. A clear command to follow what I know is true and right. I have the Word and the commands that smatter the pages within it. I came to realized that if I never got another warm fuzzy feeling from the Lord that it’d be okay. My flesh recognizes that its a sad thought, but its true, if I never got another blessing from the Lord; that would be okay because I have hope in what was gained by the ultimate sacrifice made on the Cross. Practically speaking, when I feel like I have nothing, I have the Bible to direct me and I have what I know Gods shown me is my place in his will.
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