Conviction, when you’re sitting in church and you get the pull in your soul that some thing in your life isn’t right and
you dismiss it. That dismissal could be for a number of reasons, for me, I was afraid of what would happen if I ended my relationship with the guy I was seeing at the time. In what could be pride or fear or a lack of trust I realized that if I kept seeing this guy, I could foresee the consequences and as imperfect as they were, I would still be happy or what I thought to be happy. The future was foreseeable, manageable and it made me feel good; who would want to give that up. The alternative, however, was scary. I couldn’t see where that would lead me. I didn’t want (1) to be without that instant gratification that came with having a boyfriend and (b) I didn’t want to follow blindly down some path.
At the time and even sometimes today I like to control things and I didn’t want to head in a direction that I couldn’t calculate what the next 4 or 5 steps would be. Stepping out of the flow would be hard and I couldn’t be sure that I would like where I would be headed. The idea of walking by faith at the time was still this fuzzy idea that belonged on a soft focus Sunday school poster instead of clearly emulated in my life. Not having a boyfriend meant not knowing that I would have plans on the weekends and hugs and someone who would listen to my rough day. I realize now that my lack of faith and not being able to walk by faith is a major proponent of my sinful nature.
Walking by faith is a scary thought. 2nd Corinthians 4:18 says that the things not seen are eternal. I didn’t fear not having a boyfriend, I feared that by ending a relationship I wouldn’t be loved and now that I think about it, love actually isn’t one of those things that you can see; its eternal. In that relationship I was wanting something that was eternal (love) yet I was clinging to things that I could see and touch and feel. I had no faith that God would still allow me to be loved unless I stayed in the immature relationship that I was in.
This thinking seems to be fairly common among young women. Staying in relationships because they’re afraid of being alone and what messages that carries. Things like, “You need him to be a real woman” or “You can’t do it without him” or, and this is the lie I believed, “If you break up with him, you will have failed and it’ll be clear that you can’t do a relationship right”. Those are hard lies to hear, and when you are steeped in conviction you don’t let the word of God in to dispel the lies…and you drift further and further from where you need to be.
We walk by faith and not by sight. Hebrews chapter 11 is one I would read if you feel like you’re in this type of situation. By faith, men and women did things that shaped and changed the world. Do not let fear win; Do not let Satan win. In the end, we WIN! Our guy created the universe and he wants to bless you and guide you and help you walk with him. Will you let him?