Today I find myself thinking. I like to think, I like to let my mind wander and see where it ends up. A lot of times its an inward journey that I end up taking. I’ve come to realize that I long for adventure. It almost sounds petty compared to whats happened this past week. Last Tuesday an earthquake of terrifying size rocked the poorest nation in our hemisphere. My heart breaks for them, for the pain that’s to last after the long process of cleanup. Tens of thousands of people are missing among the rubble and most presumably dead, my American mindset can’t even begin to understand the destruction. I sit here, in my desk with access to basic things that some in that country would sacrifice to have right now. I want to be there. Sitting ideally as people are suffering, well it drives me mad. I want to be there.
We have a friend from Building Together that was in-country as the quake hit, after 3 days we finally heard that he was safe and was heading back to the orphanage to assist with their needs. The poorest country in our hemisphere, it blows my mind. I struggle with the thought of what we can do here. My gut reaction is to drop everything and go, or at least stop everything we’re doing and start rallying people to send supplies or donate money or blood. The task of completing this information booklet seems so small now. Everything, seems small now. We/I’ve let so much get in the way of the beauty of simplicity. Why does it take tragedy to remind us of the pure and simple?
I don’t have anything profound to share or add, just that this is my heart right now. I know that God is there, I’ve heard reports of people getting together in parks and singing hymns, praise God that his people are his. God works all things for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I believe this, with everything that I am and yet I confess my faith is as limited as my sight because I don’t know how this is going to get any better at the moment. Walking by faith and not by sight, that’s how we do it. Though, it doesn’t in anyway quell my desire to go, to help, to lay hands on small children and hug them and love them. To cry with a mother who has lost a child, or a husband who has lost everything, or pray with a child that their parent would find them soon. I sit here and I have the luxury of being introspective. I think of the things that Gods blessed me with and I am amazed. First by Him and his faithfulness, but then I’m amazed at my forgetfulness. I forget so often whats going on around the world, I forget how God has done beautiful things through me and I forget his promises of what he’s going to do. If there was one thing I could do to make myself better, it would be to have a better memory. I am drawn to turn on my worship music, to read my Bible more, to pray at every available moment and to talk about this with other people. I wish that this were my mindset every other day of the year. Change my heart God, that I would see the depravity of this world as I see this terrible event in Haiti.
I want to jump. I want to jump and free fall into the arms of the Lord. That thought stirs something deep inside my soul where God speaks in soft gentle whispers that cause my faith to grow like wild honeysuckle. Free falling takes courage; it takes an amount of courage that I am parched for and as I come to understand it more, my desire grows. I’m at this point in my life where I can feel God showing me a taste of what that free fall would be. Looking ahead I see a future a lot like Robert Frost described. Two roads diverge…..only instead of a path of undergrowth, its much more of a dramatic journey. One is the easy winding way back down the mountain path; its got some bumps but its steady and sound. It has a predictable and safe outcome. The other is the more adventurous. Its a running start and a quick jump off a short cliff with nothing holding you back. Its falling and saying, God take me where you’re going. Its scary and its exhilarating all at the same time.
What I’m talking about is living a life unhindered and fully open to where the Lord is leading. Desperate for the Lord to flood my spirit with his presence and his guidance, and wanting to be swept away by the sheer power of his will; this is what I want for my life. My fear paralyzes me though. I want so much to have that courage, but I hold back and I peek over the edge for reassurance…Lord increase my faith that I would be uninhibited. I’m giving up what I’ve thought is a good plan and a foreseeable plan in exchange for hope in a perfect plan.
This summer I struggled with the forgiveness my faith says I have received, however my heart wasn’t so sure of that. Let me explain. I know that God is always with me. I don’t doubt that, as my mom says, ” I don’t ask God for ID, he is who he says he is and he’s going to do what he says he’s going to do, you don’t get to question the one you made you”. There was a good amount of time this summer that I felt distant from God, and in classic Andi fashion I tried to figure out why. Was it something I had done or something that I hadn’t done? Was it God choosing to be distant for awhile? Was it a desert time for me like Jesus had? Was it just me not getting it? Once those questions started to become old, the new ones of “are you really forgiven, Andi” and “Have you really forgiven yourself?” started to creep in. All these things bounced around my in my head like bouncy balls in a vacuum for about 3 weeks till I sat down and got some good perspective. I’d let myself get focused on the wrong thing, I was focused on how I could figure it out and fix it instead of asking God for direction. Obedience is what I was led to. When I have nothing, I have obedience. A clear command to follow what I know is true and right. I have the Word and the commands that smatter the pages within it. I came to realized that if I never got another warm fuzzy feeling from the Lord that it’d be okay. My flesh recognizes that its a sad thought, but its true, if I never got another blessing from the Lord; that would be okay because I have hope in what was gained by the ultimate sacrifice made on the Cross. Practically speaking, when I feel like I have nothing, I have the Bible to direct me and I have what I know Gods shown me is my place in his will.
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Conviction, when you’re sitting in church and you get the pull in your soul that some thing in your life isn’t right and
you dismiss it. That dismissal could be for a number of reasons, for me, I was afraid of what would happen if I ended my relationship with the guy I was seeing at the time. In what could be pride or fear or a lack of trust I realized that if I kept seeing this guy, I could foresee the consequences and as imperfect as they were, I would still be happy or what I thought to be happy. The future was foreseeable, manageable and it made me feel good; who would want to give that up. The alternative, however, was scary. I couldn’t see where that would lead me. I didn’t want (1) to be without that instant gratification that came with having a boyfriend and (b) I didn’t want to follow blindly down some path.
At the time and even sometimes today I like to control things and I didn’t want to head in a direction that I couldn’t calculate what the next 4 or 5 steps would be. Stepping out of the flow would be hard and I couldn’t be sure that I would like where I would be headed. The idea of walking by faith at the time was still this fuzzy idea that belonged on a soft focus Sunday school poster instead of clearly emulated in my life. Not having a boyfriend meant not knowing that I would have plans on the weekends and hugs and someone who would listen to my rough day. I realize now that my lack of faith and not being able to walk by faith is a major proponent of my sinful nature.
Walking by faith is a scary thought. 2nd Corinthians 4:18 says that the things not seen are eternal. I didn’t fear not having a boyfriend, I feared that by ending a relationship I wouldn’t be loved and now that I think about it, love actually isn’t one of those things that you can see; its eternal. In that relationship I was wanting something that was eternal (love) yet I was clinging to things that I could see and touch and feel. I had no faith that God would still allow me to be loved unless I stayed in the immature relationship that I was in.
This thinking seems to be fairly common among young women. Staying in relationships because they’re afraid of being alone and what messages that carries. Things like, “You need him to be a real woman” or “You can’t do it without him” or, and this is the lie I believed, “If you break up with him, you will have failed and it’ll be clear that you can’t do a relationship right”. Those are hard lies to hear, and when you are steeped in conviction you don’t let the word of God in to dispel the lies…and you drift further and further from where you need to be.
We walk by faith and not by sight. Hebrews chapter 11 is one I would read if you feel like you’re in this type of situation. By faith, men and women did things that shaped and changed the world. Do not let fear win; Do not let Satan win. In the end, we WIN! Our guy created the universe and he wants to bless you and guide you and help you walk with him. Will you let him?
For 6 years now I’ve been an undergrad bible study leader for my church; and I’ve loved it. We started with 4 girls and myself and have since multiplied into 4 other groups. We’ve seen a lot of fruit and have also seen a lot of pain turned into growth. Its been an amazing set of years and at first glance I’d be silly to change whats clearly “working”.
Last fall I started seeing more of a disconnect between me and the girls. I wasn’t leading the girls in my own bible study nearly as well as I could have because I was also trying to build into the lives of the other leaders who I’d helped to develop. Two very different sets of advice and two different audiences. I began to get sloppy in my leadership and honestly, I was worn out.
My pastor got a group of leaders together one night and started asking us what we needed and God really pressed on my heart to talk to the leaders about what was going on. In doing so, God gave me real understanding as to how I could serve my church in the best way. My heart and passion is to see women raised up to be mighty leaders who are boldly advancing the kingdom and boldly supporting those in authority over them. The best way for me to do that is to make sure that all of my time and effort is going into raising up leaders. I’ve gotten to the point where I can turn over the responsibilities of weekly bible study over to the ladies that have shown that they’re ready to lead other women. Now with my “extra” time, I can devote more time to making sure that (1) I”m sensitive to how God would like me to lead this women and (2) devoting more time to developing the leaders and helping to guide them. I need to be a coach now and not a player.
I play a lot of sports and so the term coach is one I’m very familiar with but havn’t ever tried on for myself. Coaches traditionally have the big picture in mind and are able to direct different players who have different abilities. Coaches know how to motivate different players to be the best. Coaches build teams and inherit teams and learn how to manage and lead both. I’ve built this team, now its time to lead it.
Overall, this process is very raw for me. I haven’t ever seen a working model of how to coach girls bible studies; so I’m walking by faith and not by sight, which I feel like was Gods plan the whole time. In reflecting on this past year, I see several things that I would have liked to have changed and still several things that I think Gods blessed me with. Its a whole new ballgame and I’m learning the rules as I go along. Ending this blog with, “I’ve got it all under control” would be such a lie. I don’t have it all under control, but I do know that God is walking with me the entire time, he goes before me and he makes a way for me. When I get to Heaven, I want to hear “well done good and FAITHFUL servant” its not about how many we get coming, or how elegant my speech is, its about my heart of obedience and faithfully following him in everything.
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This past weekend the weather here in NC was breathtaking and in order not to miss out on said beautifulness, I went up to the lake for some fresh air. Saturday night we had a great dinner and a great fire out on the beach and then Sunday morning I got up and spent some time just being still beside the lake. Andi 101 will teach you that I’m not the kind of person who likes to stand still or sit still or lay still or think still; I’m always moving. For me, to sit in a canoe (as it was on shore) and watch the waves and the birds and listen to all of the sounds combine into this beautiful symphony, it takes a clear effort. I sat and let God remind me that sitting and being still is one way to experience him a little more. From my safe seat inside the canoe I could see the sun reflected from the water onto the surrounding Pine trees, my own personal light show in the cool of the day.
Later in the day, we took the canoe out and paddled around for a few hours in and out of nooks and points in the lake. We got out and had an adventure at one of the points where we found road signs and a sink and some picnic tables. We climbed some trees and dangled our feet over the water, dug up things as if we were looking for buried treasure, it was a great afternoon 
As we were paddling back, I came up with picture analogy that was super neat. David (my amazing boyfriend) was paddling from the back and I was up front. I tried to start pointing us in a direction and realized that it was tougher than I was expecting. David said something to the effect of “Don’t worry, my job is to direct us, you keep us moving forward”. In that instant I got this picture of how relationships work in regards to canoeing. His job is to direct and point the family in the right direction, if he doesn’t than they end up way off course. Her job is to add fuel to his direction and keep the momentum going in the family; to support where he’s headed and help make it happen. I’m still thinking about how to further or tweek the anaology so feel free to add to it
All in all, the weekend was great, I am loving how God loves on me and directs me and reminds me that his ways are greater than mine and his plan and timing are perfect.
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